Posted by
The Big Guy on Wednesday, August 29, 2007 4:31:54 AM
Senator..Senator..Senator..
I sit here (haha) contemplating what my code of conduct should be in any public restroom. I can only come up with a few:
I have a slight headache so I must be brief. My radio listeners have been asking me why I haven't posted here more?! Well bluntly, I'm not happy with the news that is making the headlines. Its that simple. Frankly, I am astonished that Russia is virtually going back in time to ask 5 basic (yes and no) type questions (another discussion) and that Russian leaders are using the answers to these “ basic 5" , as their apparent governing guidelines and are doing this very effectively I might add! That this is not readily obvious or headline news is astonishing to me. Russia is on the march, both militarily and politically.
Conversely, the US and Canadian Governments are trying to survive the “feel good” policies that weak politicians have lobbied for and enacted. These policies are pervasive, intrusive and oppressive, affecting economics, politics and spirituality. They are tearing at the very fibre of their citizens’ lives. They have wonderful catchy, bumper sticker phrases such as “Healthcare for all!,” “Leave no one behind!,” “ Let’s all work together!,” and “It’s for the children.” A favorite of mine is, " Share the wealth." I have problems with a government that cannot govern without a bloody opinion map.
Here I am and the only thing that has sparked my return to the world of blogs appears to be a Senator that hasn't learned bathroom etiquette 101. Or, is he just creepy?! The fleecing of the stock market almost got me here but I warned everybody about that several times in the past and frankly...I am tired of preaching! Do some basic reading and you too can be as mis-informed as the rest of us...oh, gave that away!
Back to Senator Craig! Here are my ‘Do's and Don’ts’ in any restroom. Remember that I have no real experience about the intricacies surrounding women’s restrooms. Certainly, I have been inside one, not because I was being snoopy, but because the men's room was occupied and I could not wait...a large pop can do that to you. That being said, parties and champagne could be a regular in the woman's restroom for all I know. But, fortunately, I am familiar with appropriate male behavior when forced to utilize a public restroom. Quite honestly, I hate Public restrooms. In contrast to women’s restrooms (at least with my limited experience) men’s rooms are smelly, dirty, and are really a last resort for any normal person!
THE PLAN!
The Plan...A man should always enter the men’s restroom with a determined, mean look. A stern look or a frown is good, but a dead pan look is best. Priority one? Quickly find any un-occupied stall or urinal. When looking to see if a stall is empty you only get one glance...thats it! One!
I usually try opening the stall door with my hand on top of the door. I happen to be 6'5" but even then, I usually give a good cough and pause at least 2 seconds before actually trying to open the door. Cough loudly for effect. This allows any occupant to lower his voice about 2 octaves and loudly declare either, "Occupied" (My personal favorite) or "Out in a minute." You must immediately move on if you get any response and you should never say "sorry,” or make any further conversation. NEVER! You can grunt, but that’s it! Moving on, you then repeat the process until you find an empty stall.
Stalls are best for everything, and No, I don't sit for everything! I just want to be left alone. I am not happy, as I am forced, by factors beyond my immediate control, to be in this smelly place as it is. Truth be known, I would like to be just about anywhere else if you must know. I am usually late for a meeting too! I am also mad that I had to bring my stuff in here....man, I got to set my keys and phone where?! YUK!
Now, if you are forced to utilize a trough type urinal then I would recommend an end spot with your legs a little bit wider than needed and you should actually face the corner away from everyone. I want
NO confusion! This corner angling should insure your privacy from any other male that is too bold or possibly even from another culture that has no concept of personal space. I want them to be forced to stand away from me. Note: If it is a young person next to you, you are now insured that you will never be accused of any wrong doing. No talking either! That’s only for at home provided you aren't trying to read the paper or a book! In fact? Just leave me alone. Continuing...You MUST keep eyes forward at all times!!! You may utilize your peripheral vision only to insure that you are not being observed and that you are safe with your back to the entrance. Again, no talking!
When I am done using the facility I want out! No eye contact with anyone while washing your hands too. My head is down slightly. A determined look has been placed upon my face again. When you are washing your hand and using the towel dispenser to dry your hands? Procured your paper towel prior to grabbing any soap even! While your hands are still dirty, push on the dispenser lever. I try to have it hanging in the dispenser un-touched and waiting, ready for use to both dry my hands, shut off the water and open door! Get that? This keeps your clean hands.
Now this being said, I must say that when hunting and/or in the woods there is nothing like the backside of a tree as a makeshift urinal. Not where you intend to hunt though. This is a major phopaw! (faux pas, Yes, I know how to spell it…I like mine better)
So, that is the plan. At least it is mine. So, you tell me how we can ever play footsies by accident in my plan? I would be arrested for what I would say and my angered response to say a "footsies" attempt by anyone! TOUCH MY STALL? REACH YOUR HAND UNDER MY STALL? ONLY IF YOU WANT IT BROKEN! I'll brake your foot if you try to play footsies! Really Kevin? In a heartbeat!
Now! Who are these poor police officers and who did they p_ss off to get this duty?
Oh, and did this moron really hand the officers a card that read "US Senator"?
I would have handcuffed his broken hand under the stall, maybe to my ankle...That would be good!!! Deny that one! Then let’s call for pictures! The arrogance...Wish us luck!
The Big Guy